Lions and Tigers and Fears...OH MY!

Tomorrow morning I'm off to meet with the folks who specialize in dealing with extra sweet people like me! You know, this new sweet label is about all the coolness coming from this disorder deluxe, and I'm getting the mileage out of it. Anyone that knows me at all, knows I'm not a waster of much of anything. But, I'm getting off topic. This little meeting is all about teaching me what I already know, what I don't know (which is plenty-but I'm working on that real hard!), and how to put it all together and 'fix' myself...sorta. There's no fixin' the pancreas, former producer of insulin I needed, so I could have Snickers without added fiber. It's about fixin' me...the brain part, that's hard-wired to connect food and everything wonderful. Or food and everything awful. I expect to hear that I've not done enough to get my sugar low enough (oh margarita, how thou betrayed me!) when they look at my sugar log. It's not terrible, matter of fact until they tell me how un-good it still is, I've been pretty okay with it. But I know that it still isn't in the normal range, you know, for people who are not as sweet and I'm sure it's supposed to be.

But before this meeting there is some handy dandy paperwork to fill out...as there is with all disorder'ish type things, and I set out this afternoon to complete said paperwork. I arrived at two questions, about halfway through the litany, that made me stop and think, really take stock of what I should say. Kinda odd, I thought, with all these practical, easily answered, medical questions to throw in a couple that emotionally pricked me.

The first was a version of 'what do I know about this disease?'  What they want is the facts I have and the ones I don't, but that's not what they got, because in that moment all that came to me about what I know is this...What I know is that this disease took one of my favorite people in the whole world from me. Absolutely, 100%, no other explanation will do. It destroyed his kidneys and you have to have those bad boys to get by in this world, and so at the ripe old age of 58, his body could stand no more and God scooped him up. Now, I just want God to drop him and let's have us a do-over. I'm selfish that way and seeing as he was my biggest fan, my go-to guy for all things, ever, I miss him beyond expression. But we don't get do-overs on that dying business. Armed with that knowledge, the second part of my answer was this...I don't want this disease to take me. It was my first stark acknowledgement, out loud, so to speak, that I really don't want to die from diabetes. It's not a real friendly way to go. If you don't have first hand experience, just trust me on this one. That led me to the understanding that fear is a big part of what I'm wrestling with, in the early stages of this thing in my life.

These folks must be pretty smart, because no sooner had I had this grand a-ha moment, than the next question said something to the effect of...What are you most afraid of?  My response? It was eloquent, let me tell you! And, probably the most efficient use of words ever!!! Those of you reading along know I have no shortage of words, but today, to answer that question, I only needed one...Everything. I tried to pick the one thing about this disease that scares me most and I couldn't. I'm afraid of everything it can do to my body. With every bite I take, good or bad, (yep, bad, I'm a work in progress...I'm the Sistine Chapel of diabetes, difference is Michaelangelo did eventually finish and I suspect I'll never be finished) I think about what kind of damage it can do to my innards. Isn't that a great word? Garfield the cat used it in a Halloween cartoon when referring to the insides of a pumpkin and I've loved it ever since.

Sugar looks so sweet and innocent, just lying there in that peanut butter cookie, or simmering along in your blackberry cobbler...but it's not. Left to its own devices, it tramples your very valuable organs, some of which you just can't live without. I suppose sugar is the bully on the playground, insulin is the playground guard, and my playground guard took early retirement. Just my luck. He could have at least checked with me first!

Fear is a powerful emotion and motivates many different types of people for many different reasons. In small doses fear can be a good thing. It can make your hairs prickle just enough to know you are headed into something that's over your head and nudge you to turn back. It can also overwhelm you and leave you a prisoner in your own home or in your own mind, too paralyzed to do anything. I'm going to have just enough to, hopefully, keep me heading the right way with this disease until I have it as controlled as I can get it. So for now, me and my fears are headed to learn some stuff that will give me more control. Control I must exercise, because the knowledge does nothing for me if I don't put it into practice. And when I am losing control, and facing the 'fear of failure', I'm going to take myself right back to that first question...what I know is...I don't want this disease to take me.

A little learning is good for us all so check out this cool site I found connected to Kraft Foods. I am digging these recipes!  http://www.kraft.com.au/RecipeCollections/HealthyEating/DiabeticRecipes/